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Author: Aasia Bibi

  • The Toxic Rishta Culture in Pakistan: How to Cope with it

    The Toxic Rishta Culture in Pakistan: How to Cope with it

    You see pretty wedding pictures on Instagram and wonder when it will be your turn. But. despite looking for a match, you have yet to be off the market.  You have posted your rishta profile in various matrimonial groups. You receive suggestions from all over. You have paid hefty amounts to the matchmaking aunties, only for them to disappear. Even when both families meet, the process often does not proceed further. Societal norms and expectations make dealing with the rishta process exhausting and disheartening.

    In this article, we’ll discuss the toxic rishta culture in Pakistan, and how to cope with its challenges. 

    The Harsh Realities of Rishta Culture in Pakistan

    In Pakistan, the rishta culture puts girls and their families under immense pressure. Some of the harsh realities include:

    Unrealistic Expectations and Superficial Criteria

    Many families use a checklist of physical attributes and career requirements. Fair complexion, slim body, a 5-year age difference, height greater than 5’3”, and a professional degree. 

    Moreover, some families prefer working girls who can contribute to the household finances. They may also expect girls to pursue higher education abroad for a better lifestyle. In contrast, some families expect women to manage the house, leaving their own goals. 

    Family and Societal Pressure

    Pakistani girls grow up hearing that marriage is the ultimate goal in life. The pressure of finding a suitable match increases in their early twenties. Families and social circles remind them that marriage gives their life meaning and their worth is tied to it.  Phrases like “Shadi ki umar guzarti jaa rahi hai” (Your marriage time is passing) or  “Maa baap k baad kisi ne nai puchna” (Nobody will take care of you after your parents’ demise) make them rush the process. 

    Financial Considerations

    The financial status of the girl’s family is also crucial. Many families seek well-established backgrounds that can support their sons.  Moreover, they expect gifts and dowry from the bride’s family. If they are not rich enough, their chances of acceptance weaken. 

    Cast and Socioeconomic Preferences

    Many elders prefer not to marry their daughters outside their own caste, limiting potential options. Family size is also a factor, as people often avoid larger families for their daughters.  Additionally, the area of residence plays a significant role in the rishta process. Families from affluent neighborhoods often hesitate to consider matches from less developed areas. Those from big cities are reluctant to move to smaller cities. 

    The Emotional and Psychological Impact of Rishta Process

    toxic-rishta-culture-2

    Self-esteem and Mental Health:

    The rishta culture in Pakistan can be draining for many young women. Judgments and rejections based on superficial qualities often lead to feelings of inadequacy.  Many find themselves questioning their self-worth. They get trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and anxiety, affecting their overall health. 

    Dealing with Rejection and Societal Judgment:

    Supportive but insensitive comments from family and friends can be hurtful. Questions like “Didn’t you get any proposals?” or gossiping about rishta meetings can make individuals feel judged and devalued.  To avoid this, some people stop attending weddings or social gatherings. This social withdrawal leads to isolation impacting mental health.  

    The Pressure of Time and Marriage Age:

    The pressure to marry at the “right age” makes many girls rush the process. This urgency often leads them to overlook crucial factors. For example, if they are ready for marriage or if the match is compatible.  This pressure can also make unmarried individuals feel like failures. This happens regardless of their achievements in other areas of life. 

    Challenges for Women in Education and Career Planning

    The rishta process presents challenges in women’s education and career planning. Uncertainty about marriage makes committing to long-term education or professional goals difficult. This can lead to a loss of identity and unfulfilled potential. Many families pressure women to prioritize marriage over career aspirations. As a result, women may sacrifice personal growth and financial independence. 

    The Strain on Family Relationships:

    Parents feel pressured to marry off their children quickly. This leads to tension and conflict within the family.  The lack of privacy around the rishta process can be particularly challenging in joint family systems. Every visit or rejection becomes a family discussion and gossip, affecting family bonds and individual mental health. 

    Practical Solutions to Deal with Rishta Process

    Though the rishta culture in Pakistan can be challenging, there are ways to make it less toxic. Here are some practical solutions to promote a healthier approach towards marriage. 

    Focus on Personal Growth

    Don’t judge your worth based on others’ words. Everyone has preferences, and not fitting in doesn’t mean you’re not worthy. Instead of questioning your worth, focus on yourself.  Pursue your passions and goals. Learn a new skill, start an online business, or grow your career. Spend quality time with your loved ones. A fulfilling life is not tied to your marital status. 

    Set Real Expectations

    While the rishta culture in Pakistan presents several challenges, setting realistic expectations is crucial. This approach helps avoid frustrations and disappointment. A boy who has started his career may not be able to provide the same luxury as your father. It’s unrealistic to expect a car, a separate house, expensive gifts, and a lavish wedding from him. 

    Instead, focus on what is reasonable and practical. 

    Set Clear Boundaries

    Setting boundaries is essential for a smooth rishta process. Communicate what information you are comfortable sharing and how you want the process managed. Both families should talk over the phone. Analyze if the potential match is suitable. Only invite them once you are sure. Avoid rushing the process with only limited information. This can make you regret having them over without complete details. 

    Also, maintain privacy around the rishta process to reduce stress and interference. 

    Consider Proactive Approaches 

    Attend social events, family gatherings, and Islamic halaqas. These settings provide natural opportunities to meet potential families. Meetups in neutral settings or during family events can reduce the pressure and create a more relaxed atmosphere. 

    Educate Yourself

    Individuals seeking marriage and their families should attend marriage workshops. 

    They should learn how to:

    • Initiate the rishta process
    • Communicate with potential families
    • Respectfully say ‘no’ 
    • Handle rejections gracefully
    • Lead the process towards marriage

    Understanding how to approach the rishta process can make it smoother and more positive. 

    Seek Professional Help

    If you are struggling with anxiety and depression due to marriage pressure, consult a mental health professional. They can provide essential support. 

    Therapy or counseling offers strategies to manage stress and improve mental well-being. Prioritize your mental health to approach the rishta process with clarity and confidence. 

    Conclusion

    The toxic rishta culture in Pakistan is taking a toll on the mental health of young people. By focusing on yourself, setting realistic expectations, and setting healthy boundaries, you can handle the rishta process in a better way.

    If you’re struggling with marriage pressure or need support, reach out to me. 

  • Easiest sleeping tips on how to sleep better

    Easiest sleeping tips on how to sleep better

    Whether you’re struggling to fall asleep, stay asleep, or wake up too early, I’m gonna share very simple tips on how to sleep better. 

    This guide will walk you through simple changes that promote healthy sleep procedures. First, let’s understand the two drives that control our sleep and then delve into actionable tips to improve your sleep quality.

    Understanding the Two Sleep Drives

    To address sleep issues effectively, it’s essential to understand the two primary drives that control our sleep: the circadian drive and the homeostatic sleep drive.

    Circadian Drive

    • Internal 24-hour clock: Your brain expects sleep around the same time each night.
    • Consistency is key: Going to bed and waking up at the same time daily helps regulate this drive.

    Homeostatic Sleep Drive

    • Sleep hunger: Similar to your appetite for food, the longer you stay awake, the more you’ll crave sleep.
    • Aligning with circadian drive: Matching your sleep schedule with your sleep hunger is the best way to sleep effectively. 

    For instance, if you usually go to bed at 10 PM and wake up at 6 AM, both drives will signal sleep around 10 PM. However, if you wake up earlier or sleep in, it disrupts this alignment, making it harder to fall asleep.

    Common Behaviors & Thoughts Cause to Poor Sleep

    Several behaviors and thoughts can deepen sleep issues. Recognizing and addressing these can significantly improve your sleep quality.

    Behaviors That Disrupt Sleep

    • Chasing more sleep: Going to bed early, sleeping in, or napping can disrupt your sleep drives.
    • Stimulating activities: Engaging in stimulating activities right before bed can keep your brain alert, making it difficult to fall asleep.

    Thoughts That Worsen Sleep

    • Sleep anxiety: Worrying about not falling asleep can lead to anxiety and restlessness.
    • Ruminations: Dwelling on past events or future worries can keep your mind active and prevent relaxation.

    Mindfulness and Acceptance

    • Being in the moment: Mindfulness can help you release the effort and struggle associated with sleep.
    • Letting go: Trying hard to fall asleep can be counterproductive. Instead, focus on letting go and trusting that sleep will come naturally.

    Effective Strategies to Improve Sleep

    By adopting these simple sleeping tips, you can enhance your sleep quality and promote healthy sleep procedures effectively.

    Sleep Restriction Therapy

    • Match time in bed with sleep duration: Track your sleep for a week or two to determine how much sleep you get on average. Spend only that amount of time in bed.
    • Gradual adjustment: If you average 6 hours of sleep, plan to be in bed for 6.5 hours. Stick to this schedule consistently.

    Sleep Environment and Routine

    • Prepare your environment: Ensure your bedroom is quiet, cool (around 65°F), and dark.
    • Wind down routine: Engage in calming activities before bed to signal your body it’s time to sleep.
    • Avoid alcohol: While it might help you fall asleep, it disrupts overall sleep quality.

    Mindfulness Practices

    • Body awareness: Focus on your breath, the rise and fall of your blanket, and the sensation of your body being supported by the mattress.
    • Release unhelpful thoughts: Notice and let go of thoughts that tell you stories about sleep. Trust in your ability to let go and rest.

    By understanding your sleep drives, addressing disruptive behaviors and thoughts, and adopting effective sleep strategies, you can overcome sleep issues and enjoy sound sleep.

    Conclusion:

    Entering into sleep is an exercise in trust. You’re trusting that you can release the day behind you, let go of the day ahead, and rest in the in-between. Follow these sleeping tips, and soon you’ll be enjoying sweet, sound sleep.

  • Wonders of Being Present

    I wouldn’t say I like tea. I hate tea, so why does this tea cup taste so good in my hand? I asked myself.

    “Is it Kashmiri tea?” I asked.

    “No!” said the kind stranger.

    “Is it doodh patti?” I asked again.

    “No! It is just your normal tea.” She replied emphatically.

    But how can it taste so good? Tea means bitter taste and loads of yucks to me. I never say YES to tea; it is a strict NO NO.

    What changed my mind on that particular occasion? I suffered from a painful throat and said YES to tea, thinking it was a Qahwa.

    I sat in Masjid-e-Nabwi, observing people sharing food items despite language barriers. The wonders of being present were evident as people enjoyed and shared food items while communicating in universal sign language made me marvel at Allah’s creation.

    During my stay in Madinah, my favorite part of the day(or night) was 

    observing people and noticing their differences and similarities. The wonders of being present unfolded as I noticed the diversification, cohesion, differences, similarities, the language barrier, and yet the understanding.

    These beautiful moments growing in front of me made me let go of all the stories and assumptions about tea. That’s why when a kind Pakistani family offered me tea, I wholeheartedly accepted it. 

    That’s the beauty of Mindfulness:

    • Being truly present in the moment.
    • Letting go of all the stress and worry.
    • Grounding yourself in the present moment.

    MINDFULNESS:

    Mindfulness is paying full attention to being present in the moment without judgment. It involves being aware of your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. Instead of living in the past or worrying about the future.

    Mindfulness focuses on what’s happening now. It’s like giving your mind a break from distractions and appreciating the current experience with clarity. You can use your senses to be truly present in the moment. 

    Sight: Take a moment to observe colors, shapes, and details around you without labeling or judging them.

    Hearing: Close your eyes and listen attentively to the sounds in your environment, noticing each one without attachment. 

    Feel: Pay attention to sensations of touch, such as the warmth of sunlight on your skin or the texture of an object in your hand.

    Taste and Smell: Slowly savor a bite of food, focusing on the flavors and textures. Inhale and identify the scents around you with mindful awareness.

    We spend most of our lives on autopilot, doing the same things over and over, again and again. Despite not liking the results and wanting to change the outcomes, we repeat the same mistakes and are stuck in a hateful cycle.

    We see our world through our mental filters and hardly take the time to question our interpretations of our experiences, just like I did with the tea example.

    LETTING GO OF YOUR STORY:

    Events and thoughts don’t directly affect how we feel. It’s how we interpret them that matters. That’s why people react differently to the same situation.

    Some see problems and blame outside forces, while others see growth opportunities. Our interpretations depend on our fundamental beliefs about life. 

    We often tell ourselves stories about a specific event or person. 

    This man didn’t greet me, so it must mean that he doesn’t like me.

    She is not answering my calls, which means she is mad at me.

    I always turn in late assignments, so I am a chronic Procrastinator.

    I don’t go to parties because they are very dull.

    Now, let’s offload these assumptions: Maybe the person didn’t greet you because he didn’t see you(he was not wearing his contacts or glasses).

    However, when we embrace the wonders of being present, we open ourselves to a deeper understanding of the world around us.

    Maybe she didn’t pick up your call because she was busy and wanted to call you back at a suitable time when she could pay undivided attention to what you had to say.

    In the case of assignments, you only consider when you are late and pitch the times when you have been on time—the classic case of over-generalization.

    Parties could be dull when you are tired and need more time or energy to socialize. The three times you went to a party and didn’t enjoy yourself, now think this is the norm.

    We could start questioning our assumptions and let go of the stories we have been telling ourselves, and then we could strive to lead a life that aligns with our values.

    The Power of Now:

    We all live on autopilot, mostly worrying about the future or thinking about past mistakes. OR things that went well previously but are not working now. But what if we adopt the power of Now?

    The wonders of being present allow us to free ourselves from distractions and reconnect with the beauty of the now

    I asked one of my clients to listen to a meditation file and, afterward, ask about her experience, and I will never forget her reply. She said it was like her mind was cleared of all the trash. She could let go of her worries and stresses because she welcomed the Power of Now!

    Once you start living in the present, it becomes easier to let go of your old stories and rewrite your scripts.

    Meditation is beneficial in giving you a clear mind and grounding you in the here and now. Let’s ask ourselves which patterns of ours are holding us back from living our ideal life.

    Through Mindfulness, we can change our narratives and begin living a more fulfilling life. A life where we do not run after superficial things but seek peace, happiness, and delight!

  • How to Eliminate Procrastination: A Complete Guideline

    How to Eliminate Procrastination: A Complete Guideline

    Ramadan is over and back to work mode is difficult. I have to write blogs and I have been procrastinating. The irony is that my niche is Procrastination and time management and here I am, delaying it again. While tackling my problem, I decided to come up with a road map for you as well. Let’s dive into this world of Procrastination.

    What Is Procrastination?

    Procrastination is when you delay or avoid tasks that need to be completed. When people procrastinate, they manage and focus on activities that are not a priority. This can include avoiding difficult tasks, filling your day with low-priority work, or waiting until the last minute to start a project.

    Procrastination can negatively affect you and your work. If you want to eliminate or (at least minimize) procrastination, here are some of the tips that can lead to a more productive and disciplined life.

    Identify The Tasks That You Typically Procrastinate About

    I have observed that not all tasks are created equal. I might procrastinate about writing a blog but now about responding to messages promptly.

    Some students find it difficult to turn in their assignments on time but they are very prompt when it comes to reporting for a cricket match or social meet-up.

    What are the tasks that you typically put off or avoid?

    Identify Your Procrastination Behavior

    If you don’t have any idea or some hint but now sure as to what are your go-to actions while avoiding certain tasks. This list may provide an idea:

    • Waiting until the last minute to start a task.
    • Spending too much time planning how to complete a task.
    • Not starting or completing something until it is perfect.
    • Waiting for the motivation or the right moment.
    • Delaying or avoiding difficult tasks.
    • Delaying or avoiding boring tasks.

    Identify Why You Procrastinate

    After finding out the task and your behavior. Start with WHY. What is the underlying reason behind procrastinating important tasks? There could be multiple reasons. Some of the reasons listed below may help you find out about your WHY.

    1. Perfectionism

    “It’s just that it has to be perfect!”, my client told me when I asked her why does she take too long to submit her assignments.

    Similarly, another client told me that I can’t start unless everything is in perfect order. This perfectionism causes them to delay their projects because instead of optimization they go for perfection.

    2. Fear of Uncertainty

    Those people who want to plan and be prepared for each and everything find it difficult to uncertainly and hence delay the tasks.

    3. Feeling Overwhelmed

    This is also a very important contributing factor where people feel they have too much on their dish and lose the energy and motivation to keep going.

    The feeling of so much to do with so little time starts making one feel anxious which results in shutting down instead of achieving some progress.

    4. Pleasure Seeking

    Instead of doing everyday boring tasks, nowadays, it is very easy to run and find comfort in social media and video games.

    We are living in a world of mass distractions and the urge for instant gratification is greater than ever. So we revert to activities that give us instant pleasure instead of doing things that matter in the long run.

    How to Eliminate Procrastination

    1. Plan Rewards

    Once you make a plan stick to it and get things done reward yourself. Delay gratification until the completion of the task. If you find it difficult to exercise then don’t eat your favorite snack unless you are done with your exercise routine. This way you could be your cheerleader.

    2. Removing Distractions

    Put time limits or use software that blocks or limits your access to certain websites or phone apps.

    Taking away to option to choose social media makes it easier to complete the work you need to complete.

    3. Just 5 Minute Approach

    This is by far my favorite technique. Even if you don’t feel like doing it just start for 5 minutes only.

    Keep doing it for 5 minutes, chances are that you will get in a flow state and will end up doing much more than these 5 minutes.

    4. Eat the Frog First

    The idea is that you identify one challenging task(the frog) and complete the task first thing in the morning(eating it).

    To put it simply, eating the frog is the process of identifying your most difficult task of the day and completing it before you do any other work. It gives you momentum and confidence to keep going.

    5. Time Blocking

    “ A 40-hour time blocked work week, I estimate, produces the same amount of output as a 60+ hour per week pursued with structure.”

    -Cal Newport, Author of Deep Work.

    Time Blocking is about prioritizing your task list in advance and dedicating specific blocks of time for each task.

    This way you will be controlling your tasks instead of being controlled by them.

    Conclusion

    I hope after becoming self-aware about the tasks that you procrastinate how do you it and why you do them. it will become easier to implement the methods discussed above in order to lead a productive and disciplined life.

  • Time Management and Purpose: Unveiling the Power of Time | The Healing Lounge

    Time Management and Purpose: Unveiling the Power of Time | The Healing Lounge

    Unveiling the Essence of Time Management and Purpose

    In my recent therapy session, my therapist casually mentioned that I might be overly ambitious. The statement caught me off guard, as my pursuits have never been solely driven by conventional measures of success, such as wealth. Rather, I’ve always prioritized experiences and moments that enrich my life beyond material gains. Nevertheless, her remark urged me to reflect on my aspirations and how they intertwine with my perception of success.

    Exploring New Perspectives

    Initially skeptical of therapy, I eventually embraced it as part of my journey towards effective pain management. As Wasif Ali Wasif famously said, “An eye can see everything except itself.” This insightful quote led me to acknowledge the existence of blind spots in my self-awareness. Consequently, I chose to delve deeper into therapy, viewing it as a tool for self-discovery and personal growth.

    Redefined Ambitions

    As I poured my thoughts into my journal, I couldn’t help but ruminate on the notion of being labeled as “over-ambitious.” While I do possess a drive to achieve, my ambitions transcend mere financial success. This realization struck a chord when I recalled Sahil Bloom’s compelling article on the concept of being a “Time Billionaire.” It prompted me to reassess my priorities and redefine my definition of success.

    Understanding the Value of Time

    Graham Duncan’s notion of a Time Billionaire resonated deeply with me. The idea of having over a billion seconds left to live underscored the finite nature of time and the importance of cherishing each moment. It’s not merely about the quantity of time but also about how we choose to spend it, particularly in nurturing our relationships and personal development journeys.

    Navigating Life’s Choices

    Consider this scenario: would you trade your youth for Warren Buffet’s wealth? It’s a thought-provoking question that emphasizes the intrinsic value of time over material possessions. Similarly, we must carefully consider how we allocate our daily “currency” of seconds, ensuring they’re invested wisely in pursuits aligned with our purpose and values.

    Embracing Time’s Currency

    Imagine time as a tote bag filled with 86,400 seconds each day. How we handle these “seconds” reflects our approach to life itself. Wasting even a fraction of them can lead to profound regrets. Hence, it’s imperative to manage our time mindfully, ensuring it’s spent on endeavors that bring fulfillment and contribute to our overall well-being.

    Concluding Reflections

    As we journey through life, we must recognize time as our ultimate currency. It’s not the material wealth or accolades that define us but rather the meaningful experiences and connections we cultivate along the way. This sentiment lies at the heart of The Healing Lounge, where we explore the realms of Marriage & Relationship Counseling, Past life regression, Procrastination, and Time Management, recognizing their profound impact on our holistic well-being.

  • The Power of Gratitude | The Healing Lounge

    The Power of Gratitude | The Healing Lounge

    Embracing Gratitude: A Journey to Inner Fulfillment

    As I stirred my morning tea, my 6-year-old remarked, “Mumma, you’re lucky to only have to drink it.” Intrigued, I asked why, to which she replied, “Drinking is easier than chewing herbs.” Her innocent observation shifted my perspective on gratitude.

    Gratitude’s Transformative Power:

    Gratitude, the art of appreciating what we receive, whether tangible or intangible, shapes our outlook on life. It’s an acknowledgment that goodness often comes from sources beyond ourselves. The research underscores its profound impact on happiness, health, and resilience.

    Embracing Life’s Blessings:

    In my quest to alleviate joint and muscle pain, I’ve explored various remedies, including bitter teas. Amidst physical discomfort, gratitude became my guiding light. Reflecting on Quranic wisdom, I began counting my blessings, from a loving family to access to healthcare.

    The Cognitive Benefits of Gratitude:

    Scientists liken gratitude to a cognitive lubricant, enhancing mental agility and adaptability. It nurtures a smarter, more resilient mindset, empowering individuals to navigate challenges gracefully.

    Fostering Happiness and Resilience:

    Contrary to the belief in fixed baseline happiness, gratitude offers a 25% boost to overall well-being. We cultivate a reservoir of positivity by embracing gratitude for the mundane and the profound.

    Cultivating a Grateful Mindset:

    Imagine awakening each day with renewed purpose, greeting challenges with a smile, and cherishing life’s richness. Gratitude isn’t merely a fleeting emotion; it’s a transformative practice that enriches relationships and deepens spiritual connection.

    Conclusion:

    In the tapestry of life, gratitude is the thread that binds joy, resilience, and contentment. By nurturing gratitude as a daily ritual, we unlock the door to a life brimming with optimism and fulfillment. Let us embark on this journey together, embracing the transformative power of gratitude.

  • Essence of Parenthood: Pure Love, Growth, and Joy

    The Essence of Parenthood: Exploring the Depths of Care and Presence

    Parenting is a universally relatable topic, influencing individuals regardless of their parental status.

    There are various opinions on parenting approaches, many reflect on missed opportunities and areas for growth. This self-reflection often troubles mothers with feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

    The Least and the Most:

    In the complicated tapestry of parenting, there exists a spectrum ranging from the least to the most one can offer.

    Every mother labors to provide her family with a nurturing home, desiring to help any remaining guilt.

    The Essential Role of Mothers:

    Scholars highlight a mother’s pivotal role in promoting a supportive environment for her child’s growth.

    Like a steadfast background wall in a performance, a mother’s presence serves as a beacon of stability and grace.

    Reflecting on Childhood Desires:

    Recalling key moments from childhood prompts a longing for a mother’s simple yet profound presence.

    Children desire calmness, focus, and emotional validation from their mothers.

    The Core of Great Motherhood:

    The essence of great motherhood lies in offering oneself fully, providing tireless attention and unconditional support. As children guide life’s stages, mothers stand as steadfast pillars, offering strength and validation.

    Conclusion:

    In the journey of the essence of parenthood, care, and presence exceeds mere actions. It is through genuine presence and persistent support that mothers nurture strength and growth in their children. Let us welcomethe profound impact of our presence as we navigate the complexities of parenthood.